I have 6 weeks of 5th year left. 6 weeks! Of course that is excluding the Easter holidays and exam leave but 6 weeks! But I find myself loosing steam, again
. The prelims start a week tomorrow, lasting a week and a half and the exams are not far off from then. However my motivation is once again dwindling, my confidence dropping. Every time I have a good stretch I find that it is simply me being less stressed about all the things that should concern me more. And these stretches are getting shorter and shorter. I found a batch of physics homework I have had for a week and is due in tomorrow- of course as yet undone. I should have done it when I saw my tutor a week ago, or in one of my study periods, or at physics study support, or this weekend. But no, it has totally slipped my mind. So rather than doing it - with less that 12 hours before it should be handed in *haha shit*- I am here, venting.
This is occurring more and more and I hate the oscillations of happy to stressed. One glider flight is all it takes to make me feel better and one news article or incompetent teacher is all it takes to make me feel worse. The short days, damp, and cold make it all worse. Why can't I just do it? I will mentally punish myself with self disappointment and hatred when I have forgotten because I see no other way of forcing myself.
That is all school is becoming. A mental beating that I fear I cannot survive. It is all very well planning a future but when it all takes a dip I feel as though I have leapt towards everything I want and am falling short. And it is very, very hard. I don't know whether I need to just accept defeat because every day exhausts me and those around me irritate me so much that I am very thankful for the self control that I have been taught.
If I knew that I would not get into any kind of trouble I would have no issue with giving someone a bloody nose. Frustration is slowly turning to violence that I have to fight to stop from welling up. And I am not that kind of person- at least I hope not.
In school my language becomes far more colourful than is necessary and I phase out every 20 minutes, only to wake up and begin the self hatred.
I am sick an tired of the early starts where my first thought is 'fuck this'.
I spend most of school wanting to be in my bed and unconscious of all that is happening. Perhaps that is what is scaring me the most about it all. That I would rather feel as though I have ceased to exist than be there.
I am struggling to do my best in an environment that brings out my worst. I wonder when, if ever, anyone will realise how painful this is not just for me but for millions of children round the world. Yes, I do sometimes feel privileged to have an education. After all this 'quality' is something of a minority. But it breaks people and their dreams. How many of my peers have I watched let go of a dream because they were told they couldn't? I am one of the few remaining with that spark that drives me but I wonder how long I will last.